14

You would have been 14 years old today, my sweet Bailey Asher.  My heart is heavy as I face your first birthday without you here.   I miss you like crazy and, as I always used to sing to you, you'll always be my baby.  I love you forever.

We were as one
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart
Our love will never die
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
(Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey)

Doll Baby

Dear Bailey

Oh, Bailey Asher. Your mommy misses you so much. I keep thinking this will get easier, but your presence is so large in its absence and so loud in its silence. I miss you being here, in this house. I miss your excited bark every time I open the car door in the driveway and coming home is always hard. I miss you hogging the bed and me having to fight for covers. So many things that were yours are gone now, because you're not here to need the dog bowls or the beds or the rugs. I even miss our crazy medicine schedule, and I find it hard to go to bed early after so many months of staying up late for your nighttime doses.

I feel like I am missing an arm, or a leg, or some important part of myself. You have been with me since I was 16, only one year shy of half my life. We sort of grew up together. I haven't quite figured out how to be without you yet. You will always be my baby, my first child. I feel like I have lost a part of my identity. I am no longer a dog owner, though I will always be your mommy.

As much as this hurts me, I am so glad that you are free! Relieved that your battle with DM is over and that you don't have to fight anymore. Glad to know that you can rest now. And I would love to believe in the Rainbow Bridge, and that you could be there now, running and chasing your frisbees, whole again.

I know eventually this will get easier, but you will always occupy a huge part of my memories and a space in my heart. You were such a good dog, so loyal and loving and protective and intelligent and fun. Brave and stubborn and determined and strong. I know I will have other dogs in my life, but none will ever replace you. You will always be my baby. I love you forever, sweet boy.

Mommy

Barking at Dancing in the Rain

When I was trying to find music that I liked to use on the video montage of Bailey (see below), I happened upon a song on One True Media that I had not thought of in a long time. It was an instrumental version, but the words came back to me immediately, and they are so appropriate.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end, the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

(The Dance by Garth Brooks)

The very next day, I watched a video on Facebook and the background music was this same song.

Just a few days later, a friend on Facebook posted this quote from a friend of hers:

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.

It's about learning to dance in the rain!

The last couple years of our dance were not what I planned or wanted or hoped for or ever could have imagined, but I am glad I did not know the ending. If I had known, there might never have been a dance at all. I think we managed some dancing through the rain, and there was some barking at the rain at times, but overall? Over the 13 1/2 years we had?

I think we boogied!

How I Want to Remember Him

It has been 38 days since Bailey died, and I miss him as much today as I did that first day he was gone. Maybe even more, as I realize a little more each day what a huge hole his passing has left. I still expect to hear him barking when I open my car door in the driveway. I hear a doorbell ringing on TV and start to remind him that it's just the TV and not our doorbell. I wake up and he is not cuddled up against me on the bed. He's going to be a very hard habit to break.

What haunts me the most is remembering how horrible his last 24 hours were because of some really awful stomach issues. That was not how I wanted his last day to go at all! And that's not how I want to remember him. I don't want to remember the effects of degenerative myelopathy either. I want to remember him when he was healthy and all the really good years we had together.

Bailey L-O-V-E-D to play! He adored his toys and would learn their names within hours of receiving them. His two most favorite toys were his floppy Frisbee and Kermie, a big green frog with no legs. He came with long, skinny legs, but Bailey thought they were unnecessary and chewed each one off. I threatened to sew them back on but I never did.

I was sorting through all of my digital pictures of Bailey the other day while I was working on a photo book of the blog, and I found so many videos of him playing. I did not realize I had taken that many videos before he got sick, and I was so glad to find them. I took them with my digital camera that does not have a microphone so there's no sound, but just seeing him running and playing lifted my spirits and reminded me that DM was not his entire story.

This is how I want to remember my Bailey:

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The Best Medicine

His Obituary Would Read . . .

Bailey Asher Amory Taylor Trouble Davis, 13 1/2, died Thursday, June 25, 2009, following a long, courageous battle with degenerative myelopathy. He is survived by his loving mommy, grandmother, aunt, uncle, two cousins and a large extended family. Born December 21, 1995, he was a devoted companion, fierce protector, singer of songs, and flying Frisbee catcher. He was also a vocal opponent of UPS and mail delivery vehicles. He loved his 376 toys and knew each one by name. He was widely regarded as an extremely intelligent individual. He was thoroughly spoiled and his mommy would not have had it any other way. He will be sorely missed and never forgotten. He shall remain forever in the hearts of those who love him.

What we have once,

we can never lose.

All that we love deeply

becomes a part of us.

-Helen Keller

Thirteen . . . and a half!

Today is Bailey's (half) birthday!!!! He is thirteen and a half. That seems impossible! Knowing that this will be my sweet boy's last (half) birthday, he got a very special treat. This is definitely a once-in-a-lifetime treat for him!

I went to the bakery yesterday and bought him a cupcake - yellow cake with buttercream frosting and sprinkles!
I put 13 and a half candles on top!

And lit them all . . .

Then I gave him this one, without the candles.

And, after listening to some very bad singing, he ate it . . .

Happy (half) birthday, my sweet boy! As I was placing candles on your cupcake, I couldn't help but thank God for 13 1/2 wonderful years with you. You have brought much JOY to my life and you will always, always be my baby. I am so glad I got to be your mommy.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY, BAILEY!

Off the Specified (or preferred) Route

I so needed to read this today:

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/05/life-lessons-learned-from-navigation.html

This DM route is definitely not my preferred route, but God sees the highway through the field . . . .

A Break in the Rain

This one would look better if we had actual grass instead of weeds.

This one happened by accident but I thought it was pretty cool!