Frustration

I feel like flinging myself to the floor and throwing a nasty temper tantrum. Too bad I am not three years old anymore and tantrums are no longer expected behavior...

I almost had Bailey weaned off of the prednisone. We were down from 50mg every other day to 20mg every other day. But now those horrible bumps are reemerging on his poor little face. I talked to the vet about it yesterday and of course she wants to put him back on a high dose of the pred, this time starting at 50mg TWICE each day. That's double what he was on at the beginning of all this mess. She also said the bumps must be something autoimmune (in addition to DM? instead of DM???) but she does not know what it is.

He was doing so well. His personality was finally coming back on the lower dose of pred. He was feeling better, playing a lot, running around, loving on mommy. Now I know we're headed right back into what I call "survival mode" where every need/desire is an immediate need that needs mommy's immediate attention and can only be communicated by barking indignantly from his resting spot. He will be miserable. But without the pred, the welts on his face might get huge and painful again and he would still be miserable.

His back left leg has been really bad the last couple of days as well. I have no idea if the pred was actually helping him or if coming off the pred is revealing the muscle wasting it could have caused because he was on it so long. It was hard to watch him walking around outside this morning and losing his balance or falling every time he put weight on his left leg. He was doing so well just a couple of weeks ago. We both want off of this roller coaster!

We might have to make another trip to a specialist. I am thinking it might be good for him to see an immunologist at this point, and maybe we need a second neuro opinion as well. But just thinking about it makes me nervous, because I know how nervous and scared he will be to have new people messing with him. And what if they cannot find anything treatable either?

Abba, help me to know what to do for Bailey. And please, please, please heal my baby! Keep me strong for him. Please let there be better days ahead for him. Thank You that he is still walking (with difficulty) and still in good spirits.

Now maybe if I close my door and flail quietly, I can pull off a tantrum without anyone knowing . . . .

Six Months

Six months ago today, my world shattered. Six months ago today, I was at Auburn, being told that my dog, my baby, has degenerative myelopathy, that it would become a quality of life issue for him, and that they could not tell me how much longer we would have together. Six months ago today I was handed a piece of paper that said Bailey would become less ambulatory, that he might become unable to urinate on his own, that the medicine probably wouldn't help.

Praise God, Jehovah Rapha, that six months later, Bailey is still going strong, still walking, still wagging his tail, still barking his deep, throaty bark (and he is not hoarse), still playing, still greeting me wildly at the door when I come home, still running, still smiling, still loving life.

In the last six months, we have spent hours sitting together outside enjoying sunshine and breezes, walked miles and miles side by side, managed to lose weight (almost 20 pounds for mommy!), learned to cope with less sleep and more activity, discovered that Bailey really does know how to swim, and our bond has grown even stronger through it all.

And in it all, I am learning not to take anything for granted.

Abba, You don't promise us tomorrow, and thank You, that through all the pain, You are teaching me to savor life and to love hard even when it hurts. Thank You that the pain is never all for naught. Thank You that Bailey is still relatively healthy, that he is still enjoying life, and that he is still with me. Give us six more months together, and six more after that, and more and more after that, please, Abba.

Praise You in This Storm
by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms, performed by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You and raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.